some mid may thoughts
these were thoughts i have had lately (starting april), no real order, no cohesion.
- if my period didn't start every 26 days i would still be able to tell because of my desire to wear white pants
- how am i supposed to answer someone when they say "oh you got a haircut!" when i last got a hair cut 4 months ago
- bragging to me about getting a fatty tax return is like bragging to me about filling up your gas tank for $40
- nick told me he knew i was loved as a child because my parents got us the beyblade arena
self reflection caused by work because engineering is just problem solving but i'm the problem
i've had a few more reflective thoughts but regarding my desire to be self reliant. i've always known and hated this about myself. there can be a lot of causes to this and thats something someone would talk about in therapy, but i have really bad insurance so i just blog about it instead. my need to be self reliant borders on procrastination. its going to sound contradictory to say that i have no issue admitting i'm a dumbass in order to get things moving. i noticed this while working on two things.
- my one month project turned into two because i could not Let It Go. this is all me, everyone i work with is great and are like "lmk if you have any questions or you need anything" and i did have questions but i would spend a whole day trying to figure it out. especially because i'm redoing documentation and the previous person loved to just make acronyms and not define them. the obvious thing would be going "hey what does this mean?" nah. i just got rid of anything i did not understand because if i don't know it imo its not that important. but this for approximately 150 pages of work added on a lot of time.
- the second was the effort of like 8 hrs of work. i had to literally walk away and walk around to think why i couldn't get something to work. couldn't even explain why it didn't work. and the next few days i wanted to know why it didn't work, and watched emails because if i couldn't figure it out and my partner couldn't figure it out i wanted that shit to stay broken until i could fix it. i do not know where this sense of pride came in this time. most of the time i consider any fix even done by someone else as a win. but not in this case. however last week someone admitted that its failing for FFF and i felt so much joy knowing it wasnt me. is this even self reliance or am i just a nasty person? probably both.
mariah lore for anyone who did not grow up with me is that i grew up on a farm (ag not livestock). but i cook food based on seasonality. i know that sounds sooooo pretentious and snooty, but seasonality has always driven my food cravings. it's how i grew up. i think i'm telling time by what shows up on the trees or what starts sprouting. soon i'm going to just eat boxes of cherries everyone will get sick of me baking with cherries. i can't wait.
i once worked at a boba shop and i made such a good playlist that even the teenagers were asking me about it (youth is the future so thats how i know it was a good playlist). i think about this playlist often, because people still bring it up when they hear some songs that were on it. i hate spotifys algorithm, and i have been a full album listener. now that i'm planning on driving up to portland i think i will do it. i love having other people play music while driving and putting me on to new things.
i think of seans list of things that would fix him, and the one i remember most is "a big sandwich" and i wonder what my "big sandwiches" are. i should start thinking of them and writing them down somewhere as a practice in gratitude.
anyways friends,, my coffee is finished and i think i will do something else.